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Coffee Break Laughs - Printable Version

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RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 12-14-2011 09:13 AM

Just started to go to the gym. There's an absolutely fantastic machine there. I only used it for about half an hour cos I started to feel sick, it's great though. It's got KitKats, Mars bars, crisps...


RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 12-20-2011 11:53 AM

Phoned the NHS helpline today.
The operator asked, "What exactly is wrong with your wife's breathing?"
I said, ... "She keeps doing it."


RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 01-06-2012 10:47 AM

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 01-06-2012 10:52 AM

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.


6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]


RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 01-15-2012 12:51 PM

I bought a self help tape on how to avoid disappointment. When I got home the box was empty.


RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 01-17-2012 11:54 AM

Antony Worrall Thompson stole some cheddar? How dairy!
I went to see Ready Steady Cook the other day. It was fantastic. Antony Worrall Thompson absolutely stole the show.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was stuffed up Worrall Thompson's jacket.
Antony Worrall Thompson has been caught shoplifting milk, yeast and flour from his local Tesco. He's clearly run out of dough.
There's no such thing as a free lunch. Unless you're using the Worrall Thompson recipe book.
Antony Worrall Thompson stole some cocktail sausages and melba toast. And that was only for starters.
Wozza was caught stealing cheese from Tesco. He should have done it more Caerphilly.
I don't care what he's done, I'm still hanging on to my Antony Worrall Thompson blender. Better the Breville you know
Asked how he feels about stealing cheese, Antony Worrall Thompson admits it wasn't very mature.


RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 01-18-2012 10:55 AM

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last week she brought home an escalator.Huh


RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 01-19-2012 02:37 PM

The news about breast implants is starting to get on my tits Blush


RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 01-19-2012 02:43 PM

My wife will buy anything marked down - last week she brought home an escalator.Huh


RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 01-20-2012 11:24 AM

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week and Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!'