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Coffee Break Laughs - Printable Version

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RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 03-03-2012 01:33 PM

Had to defrost the fridge last night. Or foreplay as she calls it.Tongue

RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 03-08-2012 05:44 PM

I made the mistake of buying "slightly irregular" jeans from an outlet store. One leg was slightly shorter than the other two.

RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 03-08-2012 05:48 PM

Apparently we only use 20% of our brain. Imagine how much better the world would be if we started using the other 70%

RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 03-16-2012 03:12 PM

Only in Britain? -
Extracts from Tenants' Written Complaints to Councils.
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 03-19-2012 09:28 AM

LORRY driver Dennis Jackers was last night celebrating the first anniversary of starting to overtake fellow trucker Bob Mellows and the creation of a tailback described by the UN as a “crime against humanity”.

Jackers drew level after about five months
Mr Jackers shifted his top of the range Scania R620 into the outside lane of a two-lane section of the A1 in South Yorkshire at the end of September last year in an attempt to overhaul Mr Mellows, who was also driving an R620.
By November the front of Mr Jackers' cab was level with the rear bumper of Mr Mellows’ truck as the two raced on at 50.0001 mph and 50 mph respectively having built up a queue of traffic 72 miles long behind them.

By Christmas Day Mr Jackers had managed to edge his lorry almost level with the first set of rear wheels on Mr Mellows’ trailer while the traffic jam now stretched from the edge of the M25 to the Fort Kinnaird Retail Park near Edinburgh.

However, after starting out as deadly rivals the two drivers have now become great friends, sending each other Christmas and birthday cards and regularly hopping into each others cabs for games of Mah Jong.

Mr Jackers, said: “Bob is a great guy, he’s sensitive and caring and extremely generous sexually. I don’t ever want to overtake him. I just want to travel life’s highway at his side forever.”

Colonel Bradley Pace, a UN traffic observer, said the jam was the worst he had seen since the Iraqi army got stuck on the road from Kuwait during the first Gulf War after coming up behind a 26-foot Elddis Crusader Super Storm caravan being pulled by a Morris Minor driven by Mr Jackers' parents David and Enid.

He said: “We are committed to the peaceful resolution of conflicts and major traffic snarl-ups through discussion. But on this occasion we think we should just blow the fuckers up.”

Robert Preston, 43, a photo-copier salesman from Clydebank who has not seen his wife since February after becoming gridlocked on the A1 just outside Stevenage, said: “Kill them all, kill them now.”

RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 03-21-2012 06:40 PM

Frau Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens:
"Nationality"? asks the immigration officer.
"German" she replied.
"No, just here for a few days "......................!.

RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 05-06-2012 02:24 PM

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 07-31-2012 03:34 PM

Why don't churches have wi fi in them?
Because they don't want to compete with invisible forces that actually work.

RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 10-13-2012 06:14 PM

Golf on Christmas Day

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked
how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed
and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his
buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a
priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the
golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I
bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning
the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I
slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas!
It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'

She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”

RE: Coffee Break Laughs - bizitalker - 10-15-2012 03:33 PM

Just booked a table for tonight to celebrate my wife's birthday but its bound to end in tears, she's rubbish at snooker !!