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I don't understand my wife. First she wants me to go through everything I own and take everything I don't want to keep down the local tip, which I did.Now she's banging on the door wanting to be let back in
I have sex daily - I mean dyslexia - bguga!Confused
Cops came round to my house and told me my dog was chasing someone on a bicycle. I told them to bugger offf - my dog hasn't got a bicycle.Angry
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go
out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I
look fat in this".
I replied, " Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom". Heart
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.Sleepy
Customer service in my bank is getting worse. Asked the cashier to check my balance and she leaned over and pushed me in the chest.Huh
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".


"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."
Got barred from B&Q today. Some guy in an orange shirt came up to me and said Do you want decking? Luckily I got the first punch in.
Keyring. Handy little gadget allowing us to lose all our keys at once.
Always give 100% unless you're giving blood Tongue
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