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â—¦Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
â—¦Witness: "She is my daughter."
â—¦Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
It's Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat.Noticing the seat next to him is empty,he leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Cup Final and not use it?" The neighbour says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'

I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'

She replied, 'You're having soup you fat slob, I was talking to the cat!'
I have a new hobby - stealing sweets from newsagents - I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve!
A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time..... Undecided
â—¦Lawyer: "What happened then?"
â—¦Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
â—¦Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
â—¦Witness: "No."
"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
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